Navigating the waters of marriage counseling after one partner has been unfaithful can be challenging. In my experience, the trickiest part is maintaining an attitude of what Carl Rogers famously called “unconditional positive regard” for both the betrayer and the betrayed. The therapist quite naturally leans toward having the most compassion for the spouse who has been hurt. Yet, if therapy is to be successful and the infidelity is not to recur, a therapist must have unconditional empathy and respect for both spouses–including the spouse who has done the betraying.
The rocky shoals that could wreck marriage counseling after infidelity are these. On the one hand, the therapist must sometimes take the part of the unfaithful spouse so that he doesn’t feel that therapy will be an endless series of emotional beatings. On the other hand, the betrayed spouse must hear the reasons for her spouse’s being unfaithful without being made to feel that she was the cause of the infidelity.
The most typical reason that couples consult me after one spouse has had an affair is concern for their children. Especially when the children are young, the hurt spouse may decide to stay in the marriage if she still loves her spouse and feels that he sincerely repents and that there will be no future infidelity. If I am to help the couple have a healthier marriage, I have to believe this as well… More
